A press release obtained by our overcover team of rapporteurs learns of the Government's next horrifying move to tackle any remaining unproductive sectors of society... Read more shocking revelations in full from the website www.nodeal.org.uk
PRESS RELEASE - DEPARTMENT FOR WORK & PENSIONS
WEDNESDAY 9TH MARCH 2005IMMEDIATE RELEASE
GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES NEW DEAL FOR THE DEAD
New website will « enable the dead to earn a living »To coincide with the G8 Employment Minister's Meeting in London and the UK's Presidency of both the G8 and the EU during 2005, the Government today launches it's New Deal for the Dead.
Following the success of the Government's previous Welfare to Work schemes Alan Johnson MP, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions commented:
« I am proud to announce the extension of our popular New Deal programme for Job Seekers. While we recognise some of the problems the recently expired face in returning to the jobs market, we cannot allow the situation where the dead simply lie around all day doing nothing productive ».
« In the modern, global jobs market, the UK must ensure we do not fall behind. I hope that this flagship scheme can eventually be taken up by the other G8 economies and indeed the remainder of the planet. We must tackle such old fashioned attitudes as expecting to draw a pension, whilst not doing anything more productive than going to pottery classes and waiting for that day of eternal rest. I am sure that my G8 colleagues will agree with me and I am therefore pleased to be able to showcase this new initiative as part of our Government's Presidency. » He concluded.
A 4-week billboard and television advertising campaign begins tomorrow and will run under the slogan offering a New Deal if « You're Six Foot Under, for Under Six Months ». Heavy penalties await those who persistently avoid invitations to attend their first resurrectionary interview, the aim of which is to motivate and animate the client back to work.
Initially the scheme will be run in a pilot area called the Zone Of Mortality Bringing Inclusive Employment (ZOMBIE). A thirteen week course follows called the Intensive Animation Period (IAP). Work placement will follow IAP. Employers will receive a subsidy of 70 per week, as well as enjoying the advantage of staff who have been given a good grounding in productive work habits. It is expected that the results will be very favourable and the DWP hope to roll it out to the country's cemeteries over the next year. Full details of the programme are available from the New Deal for the Dead website www.nodeal.org.uk
NOTES FOR EDITORS
1. The programme is formally launched at the Department of Trade & Industry, Victoria Street, SW1 at 12noon, on Thursday 10th March. Newly animated claimants will be available for interview. However please understand if they are not very responsive.
2. The G8 Employment Ministers meanwhile will be having their mini-summit' at the same time. They will be making decisions that affect everyone's lives – where, how and under what conditions we work, what happens if we don't work, and what awaits us upon retirement.
They have their own strange language to describe what they aim to impose. They call it help', inclusiveness' and active ageing' – they really mean compulsion to work in worse conditions for more people, and cutting pensions and benefits. They talk about flexibility', harnessing human potential'; they really mean exploiting human capital'. Removing barriers'? That means casualisation, clawing back security and improvements that workers have won through years of struggle.
3. Of course we cannot expect that the Ministers will receive a universally warm welcome. We understand that those who oppose this new realism' are taking to the streets to assert their refusal to be human capital, raw material to be twisted and shaped for profit. They won't be conscripted into meaningless toil that does not fulfil social needs. Compulsory work schemes as a condition for benefit are there to impose discipline and to control us. And when people are compelled to work, wages go down and workers in employment have less power. Apparently.